Positive Discipline

So, I came across a book in Chapters today that I'm really interested in reading called "Positive Discipline for the Preschooler." Or something like that. Now I realise I'm proving to be more and more of what my friend calls a hippie-granola mom, but most people I know at least respect me for planning to properly and strictly discipline my kid. And because Theo is generally very very well behaved and good-natured (so far), people tend to attribute this to my brilliant disciplinary parenting skills. But to be honest, much as I would like to take the credit for Theo's good behaviour, I really can't say it has anything to do with me. He's just kinda like that. And I have a bad feeling he won't be like that for long.

So I've been toying on and off with the idea of positive disciplinary practices-- as opposed to punitive ones. Now for most people (including myself until recently) this translates into "parent opposed to spanking." And we all roll our eyes and privately nod to each other and think "HER kids are going to be a nightmare." And realistically I'm not against spanking at all. I haven't had to use it yet and my kid is still very young so the jury is out on how awful he'll be-- especially when minibaby arrives.

But the reason a lot of people react this way (I'm guessing) is that they turned out fine (and their parents spanked them) and their kids turned out well behaved (and they used spanking). Plus a lot of parents who don't spank really do turn out the most awful children, who have no respect for anyone, least of all their parents.

Also if parents choose to use spanking to discipline it's hard not to feel judged by a parent who avoids it. In fact, choosing to take any different approach to parenting than another person is sure to illicit defensiveness. Trouble is that there IS a lot of research proving that spanking is NOT the best disciplinary method, even if it works for some kids. It's not an exact formula. "Spare the rod, spoil the child" isn't necessarily the rule for every misbehaving kid. Some kids misbehave WORSE when spanking is used. Besides-- "the rod" itself doesn't necessarily mean a literal instrument of punishment.

I have found, so far, that this method seems to really fail on Theo. Of course it's a bit early to tell. We've only had occasion to swat his little hands once or twice, but every time it illicited screaming and crying and utter misery and I'm not completely sure he even learned his lesson. What he DID learn was that Mummy and Daddy might hit him if he doesn't do what they want and while that might seem like a good thing (ie he knows there are boundaries) I think ultimately it just made him lose trust in us and taught him to hit when people don't do what you want. Of course it's quite easy to gain a toddler's trust back, they're so understanding. But that's all the more reason why I wouldn't want to risk breaking it again--otherwise what seems to me like a good disciplinary practice is really just teaching him to be afraid of me-- and that's when I might find that he starts lying to me or something worse.

Obviously all of this is really just specualtive on my part since my kid is still pretty little and generally good-natured, so I'm not making sweeping judgements about people's disciplinary practices or defining what works best. All I know is my kid and I'm definitely a fan of the "do-what makes-you-sane" approach to anything regarding parenting.

The reason I'm interested in at least trying positive discipline is that it is not, like some people might assume, some fancy way of just being permissive to your kid and letting them be bratty so you can go about your business and ignore their bad behaviour. You know-- go be zen and praise your kid's destructive behaviour for being "assertive" or "creative" or some bullshit. As a matter of fact it's quite the opposite. It stresses being very interactive with your kid and learning to communicate with them in a way they understand-- which, sadly, takes a hell of a lot of patience and work-- something most of us just dinnae got time for. Especially when we're sleep deprived.

It also requires that parents treat their kids with respect and behave themselves too, which I think is a really good approach, but rather difficult for grown ups to accept. We expect kids to behave for us and treat us with politeness, but almost never teach by example. God knows, when Theo is getting in my way before dinner and trying to climb up my leg or "help" with dishes or something, my first reaction is to yell in frustration or say something that, to an adult, would be shockingly rude. Like "Theo! Can you just PISS OFF!!?? I'm trying to get dinner made!!" Needless to say this reaction never illicits a compliant response. He usually gets more and more frantic and upset and frustrated-- and so do I--until we're both at our wit's end.

I learned very quickly that if I took the time and inconvenience to show Theo the appropriate way to help with dishes (that is to say, how to help by not getting in my way) that he would be a lot happier and we could do things together without a fight. After all, it's not unreasonable for him to want to help out-- just inconvenient.

Of course some things are more dangerous than others. He can't really help with cooking or he might get burned. But the idea of a form of discipline that requires the parents to be disciplined and well-behaved themselves (as opposed to assuming that kids act out just because they're bad) definitely appeals to me. At least, I'm hoping if I try it, it might increase my ability to handle difficult situations without freaking out or dissolving into tears of frustration too.