Parenting Priorities

I have a low tolerance for criticism these days because I'm tired and pregnant and not enjoying it as much as last time. But I've also noticed that a lot of my other mother friends have been experiencing similar frustration. They're being criticised, often publicly, not just by strangers or friends without kids, but by other mothers!!

I'm trying to get my head around why this is such a common complaint-- maybe it always was a complaint. The nagging mother in-law who thinks you can't do anything right is generally a pretty universal parenting problem (though in my case not, my mother in-law is great). But it seems like more and more these days we're getting a lot of criticism not just from parents and grandparents but from our peers as well.

As far as I can tell there are two kinds of mothers. Mums who think parenting ought to be all- consuming and mums who like their kids but would like to have a life too. These ideals aren't restricted to parents either. Non-parents will often adhere to one school of thought or the other. And neither group is willing to cut the other any slack, leaving most mums-- who tend to fall somewhere in between the two groups in practice, feeling unappreciated for how hard they ARE trying and also that they really aren't trying hard enough.

For example, some mums want to work whether they have to or not. Maybe they love their job, maybe they just like the opportunity to get out of the house, maybe all their friends are at work, maybe they just need to feel appreciated for something other than their boobs. Other mothers want to stay home, whether it's financially easy or not. Maybe they don't have a good job to go back to, maybe cloth diapers and organic home-cooked food is a HUGE priority for them, maybe they aren't ready to give up the control over what their kid learns and who their kid interacts with to someone else yet. The working-mum group gets accused of being selfish and vain and the stay-at-home mum gets accused of being a control freak or a hippy. And neither groups cuts the other group any slack.

To add to the problem, mums have strangers and non-parent friends imposing their parenting standards on them. Case in point: when I was pregnant with Theo I was told by a customer that I was absolutely insane (translate reckless and selfish) to have chosen a midwife instead of a doctor. And I have been told the same by non-parent friends. I've also had random grocery clerks tell me to absolutely NOT share a room with my baby or he wouldn't be independent (translate: he would be spoiled). Some mothers take what worked for them and apply it as a rule to parenting in general and this is something I am guilty of myself. We work really hard to find a solution to whatever problem we have and when we are victorious we tell everyone about how clever we were to have figured out the secret of getting our kid to sleep through the night-- or whatever the problem was.

We also count it as a victory if our kid doesn't have a particularly inconvenient habit we've noticed in other kids, whether our brilliant parenting was the reason or just our kid's personality. For example, I have a friend with twins (bless her!) who's got her kitchen entirely locked down-- the whole house in fact--because the kids get into everything. It would be tempting to think that I'm such a great parent because my kid listens when I say don't touch and knows what he's allowed to play with, but realistically, I only have one kid to wrangle-- not two, (who encourage each other in their exploratory pursuits no less). She's doing what works for HER sanity and it's just as valid as what I do for my own.

Some people get very worried about the mess Theo makes with my pots and pans and containers in the kitchen when they come to visit. They try to be helpful by way of telling him "no, no!! Don't get into that!!" They're baffled when I say it's no bother. "What do you mean?" they say, shocked. "You don't care that he's taking all the cutlery out of the drawer and throwing it on the floor? I would!! I don't want to clean it up!!" Privately they're thinking-- MY kids will hear the word "no." But from my perspective, he can't hurt himself on the stuff he gets into and the poor kid already has so many boundaries he can't cross because he's little and because I don't get out often enough to let him run around. I'm picking my battles. If I say no to everything that's inconvenient as well as everything that's dangerous, I'm going to make a lot more work for myself and my kid is going to feel completely oppressed. Besides, I don't want to spend every minute of every day saying "no! don't touch that!" and trying to keep my house spotless or I'll go crazy.

Most parents set up HUGE standards for themselves long before they have kids and discover very shortly after their kids arrive just which things are big priorities for their sanity and which things aren't. They then take the priorities they do have and tell all the other parents they know about why their priorities are the most important ones and then justify not making other things priorities by criticising parents who do. For example, I use cloth diapers because I like em and their better for the environment etc. Some cloth using parents scornfully criticise women who don't for being lazy and irresponsible, while mothers who don't use em scornfully criticise women who do for letting their kids needs completely control them and take over their lives. No one says-- look, just go do what you want! We all need to feel the way we're doing things is the BEST way to do things and since kids don't usually appreciate the job we're doing we have to get our approval from our peers and from other parents.

But no two kids are alike and no two parents are alike and we all have different needs, so that approval is really hard to get. I don't know what the solution is, but it would sure be nice if everyone just relaxed and did their best and stopped criticising each other for what is more often than not, just a difference in priorities, not a real lack in parenting ability.