Tantrum!!!!

I think my kid is pretty well behaved. He says please and thank-you (in sign language) regularly and without prompting; he will often play quietly on his own; he's good about bed times and almost always goes down quietly on his own; and compared to a lot of kids he's beautifully well behaved in church, especially considering he goes to church twice as often as most kids his age.

Like most toddlers under two, he can be a bit impatient about getting some treat you promised him, and he doesn't like being stuck indoors or in the stroller or car seat all day. He gets easily frustrated when he has trouble performing a task that he doesn't quite have the agility to do properly. But he rarely cries unless Daddy walks past him to go to the loo and won't let him come with, or some visiting friend goes home and leaves him behind. And those little spats are easily calmed with a cuddle and an offer of a story.

He's affectionate and usually co-operative, except at meal times when he'd rather be playing with his toys. But my patience with his meal-time antics varies depending on how hungry and tired I am. He isn't really ever naughty because he's not quite old enough to understand that no means no, so he's not really defying me or purposely testing my patience. Just being 1.5 years old.

However, this morning, for the second time in his life, he had a tantrum which lasted half an hour that was just torture to sit through. Probably it lasted that long because I really had no clue what he wanted or was upset about. All I did was offer him his juice and he flew into a temper. On reflection I think the trouble was that he wanted the cup with a lid and a straw instead of a spout. That, and he went to bed far too late last night. Which was my fault really. But the more I tried to do to calm him the more hysterical he got and since I hadn't any idea what was wrong I quite lost my temper myself and that only made things worse.

I realised afterward, to my slight unease, that I was making excuses for his behaviour the minute he calmed down, and worried that I was going to turn into one of those parents with a horrible five year old throwing fits in public. The kind of parent who seems to think their child's ill behaviour is justified because it really isn't fair that they can't have that toy.

Discipline is one of those things where I think a lot of people make decisions based on what other people will think of them as parents if they don't DO something already. Before I was a parent, if I saw a kid--even of Theo's age--throwing a fit like that I would have privately thought--"Kid needs a smack and sent to bed." But as a parent I really can't help seeing both sides. It must be horribly frustrating not to be able to communicate what it is that you want to a parent who keeps asking you question after question that you can't answer. Especially when you're tired and hungry and you're butt itches because you just crapped your pants. And, except for the lack of ability to communicate, all of those things are MY fault. I didn't put him to bed on time. I didn't change him right away. I didn't get up early enough to feed him before he was beside himself.

Now admittedly, I have to choose my actions carefully in the morning. Sometimes if I take him straight to the change table he gets very upset because he's too hungry to lie on his back while I invade his diaper with a cold wet wipe. Other times he's too excited that I'm up to want to sit still in his chair to eat and would rather play for a bit while I get things ready. So I really can't win.

But it's hard to know exactly what to do with a situation like this. Ignore the screaming? Try to distract him with toys or telly or some electronic device he likes to mess with? Offer candy? No bad idea. After a few minutes he's not even sure what he wants or why he's freaking out even.

Spank him? I can't. He won't even know why I'm hurting him. He'll just feel more alienated. He's not old enough to put together that his behaviour is what is illiciting my sudden violent betrayal. He'll only feel confused and afraid. Same goes for yelling at him- which is pretty much what I did after 20 minutes of trying everything I could think of-- mainly so I wouldn't be tempted to hit him.

Send him to his room? Bad idea. He'll only associate his room with punishment if I do that. Ditto being sent to bed and he's so beautifully cooperative about bed time, I don't want to ruin it.

In the end I think I galloped up and down the porch giving him a horsey ride on my hip-- not the most comfortable thing for a woman who's five-months pregnant, but it was that or lock myself in my room so I could chew my hair in terror until the screaming stopped. He was distracted by the bouncing long enough to forget he was grumpy. We then watched a few videos on you tube and messed about with the photo booth on the computer and he was his old self again and I was able to get some breakfast into him.

But I'm still kind of stuck as to what the right course of action is. I don't want him to go through childhood thinking that tantrums are an acceptable way to blow off steam, nor do I want to give him the idea that he'll get a treat or get what he wants if he spazzes long enough. At this stage it's not an issue but the older he gets and the more he learns to communicate the more it WILL be an issue. And I can't start using solitary confinement in his room or his crib as punishment or he'll never think of them as anything BUT punishment.

I have a lot more sympathy for parents of ill behaved kids than I used to. Discipline really isn't an exact science and you can't just do what makes you feel better or other people satisfied that you're a good disciplinary parent.